Remember the way I used to be
by LadyRaider
Summary: Leaving was so hard.


Disclaimer: The x-files aren't mine, the songs not mine, the idea is though! Not much in the way of compensation…but, it'll do!  
  
Timeline: End of season 8, beginning of season 9. Spoilers for everything up until then.

* * *

REMEMBER THE WAY I USE TO BE  
  
Leaving was so hard.  
  
Fox Mulder stood in the doorway, watching her as she slept. She looked so peaceful. He couldn't imagine himself leaving her, like this, in the middle of the night. But, he had to. If he ever wanted her to be safe, if he ever wanted his son to be safe. He had to leave.   
  
He turned his heel but try as he might, he couldn't walk out the room. It seemed impossible. He couldn't get his feet to work. 'One foot in front of the other,' he told himself. But, though he tried and tried, they wouldn't listen to him.  
  
He had to turn around again, he had to look at her one last time. He needed to snap a mental Polaroid, etch the memory into his brain. This could be the last time he ever saw her.   
  
God, but it was so hard. He turned, his eyes falling upon the bed, and she stirred. He prayed she wouldn't wake. If she did, he would never be able to leave. And, he had to leave.   
  
His prayers were answered, she didn't wake up. But, she was lying on her back now, her beautiful face fully visible. Her bright red locks cascading over the bland white pillows, bringing them to life. He sighed inwardly. God, she was beautiful. This was going to be so hard.   
  
He slowly walked over to her bed, their bed, and knelt by it quietly. He laid his head on a portion of the bed that was unoccupied and silently wept. He had to quite himself more than once, for fear of waking her up. He couldn't wake her up. He knelt there for a long time, simply crying. When the tears were no more he kissed her ever so softly on the forehead.   
  
This was goodbye.  
  
"I love you…Dana." He whispered into her ear, then with all the strength that he could collect, he left the room.   
  
Before he left he went to the nursery, William was sleeping. He stared down at the small child in wonder. He was the most beautiful thing, besides his mother, that Mulder had ever seen in his life. William sighed in his sleep, as if he could tell this would be the last time he saw his father in a long time…if he ever saw him again.   
  
Mulder placed a kiss on his forehead, too, even more gently than he had witch Scully. The newborn didn't stir, he was out. Mulder smiled at his sleeping habits, they were nothing like his own, or Scully's for that matter. But, he was only days old, sleep would be on his agenda for a long while.   
  
"Goodbye, my son." He whispered before leaving the room. His legs felt like jelly, he wasn't sure if he could actually do this.   
  
'Pull yourself together, man!' He scolded himself. 'You've got to leave, for them.' He sighed. He put the note he had written the night before on the kitchen table, somewhere he knew Scully would see it. After taking one last look around the apartment, he opened the front door and stepped out into the hallway. He turned around and faced the door, staring at the gold numbers, 35.   
  
He stood staring at the door for well over 10 minutes, from what he could tell. His legs were numb and the annoying tingling was starting to travel up them and to the rest of his body. He grabbed his bags and left via the elevator. After stepping outside he took one last look at the building, he knew he'd most likely never see it again. He felt a lone tear form and travel down his cheek, warming his flesh along the way. He didn't bother to brush it aside, he just put his bags into the back of his car and slammed down the hood. The harsh slamming was not lost to him, he winced.   
  
He got into the drivers seat but as far as putting the keys in the ignition, that simple task was lost to him just as walking had been half an hour prior. He slammed his head against the wheel, and yelled out in frustration. He started to weep again. But not before letting out a very profound swear word.  
  
Well, wasn't he just a sight for sore eyes. A grown man crying and cursing in his car. Yeah, the tourist really would get an eye full that day.  
  
He looked up at the building bleary eyed and said one final goodbye before he finally put the key into the ignition and turned it. The car started with a gentle purr of the engine. He put on his seat belt and put the car into drive. Before letting his foot off of the brake he turned the radio on, then, after one final glance at the window of Scully's apartment, he left.  
  
The song that had been playing stopped and a new one started. Oh dear God, it was on the country station. Who had been messing with his car? Then it hit him, Scully. Scully was a closet country fanatic. She'd changed the station when they had brought William home from the hospital.  
  
_You look so peaceful sleepin',  
  
You don't know that I'm leaving, but I'm gone.  
  
Well, I did my best to beat 'em.  
  
But in my head, the demon said, move on.  
  
You wake up your gonna curse my name.  
  
But as some time goes by I hope and pray.  
_  
He remembered only 30 minutes ago, watching her as she slept. She'd looked so peaceful, so happy. She knew, of course, that he'd be leaving soon. But, when exactly he'd be leaving was lost to her. He wouldn't tell her. She begged him to, but, he wouldn't. He knew she'd be pissed at him, when she woke up. But, he also knew she would understand, if not right then, in time.  
  
_When you think of me.  
  
Remember the way I used to be.  
  
Remember the times I held you, tenderly.  
  
Remember the way I love you._  
  
He thought of the note he had left on the table. How she would react when she read it. He knew that, despite her strong façade, she would cry. It was not something he hoped for, but, he knew it was inevitable. In the note he was telling her how much he loved her, he was saying his final goodbye. He hoped that whenever she thought of his she wouldn't think about all of the bad things, he hoped she would remember the nights they spent together, the whispered sweet-nothings, how much he really did love her.  
  
_I think about the night I met you,  
  
I swore I'd never forget you, well I won't.  
  
I think about the way you'll live and breath,  
  
Inside my dreams forever.  
  
You'll be better when I'm gone, you'll be better when I'm gone.  
  
Cause I know your gonna fall in love again.  
  
I'm sorry this is how it has to end._  
  
He remembered the first day she came down to the basement, he hadn't trusted her one bit. But, the first time he saw her smile, all the paranoia melted away, the walls came crashing down. He fell in love instantly. He knew he'd dream about her, every night. That would be his only link to her, except for the occasional e-mails he knew he'd write. Things were going to be better for her, for William, now that he was gone. They'd be safe. Maybe she wouldn't fall in love again, there was a large likelihood that he was coming back. But, he knew that, in time, she'd learn how to go on without him there.  
  
_But when you think of me, remember the way that I used to be.  
  
Remember the times I held you tenderly.  
  
Remember the way that I love you.  
  
Oh, when you think of me.  
  
As I pick up these bags and turn around  
  
I say a little prayer and hope somehow._  
  
His mind traveled back to when he had been standing just outside her apartment in the hallway. That had strangely been harder than saying goodbye to Scully and William for the last time. It was the final step, it had emotionally drained him.   
  
_When you think of me, remember the way I used to be.  
  
Remember the times I held you, tenderly.  
  
Remember the way I love you.  
  
When you think of me, remember the way I used to be.   
  
Remember the times I held you, tenderly.  
  
Remember the way I love you.  
  
Oh, when you think of me, when you think of me.  
  
When you think of me, when you think of me.  
_  
As the song ended he was at a stoplight. He sat staring at the bright red color and was reminded of Scully's bright red hair. God, how he missed her already. He wondered what she was doing at that exact moment. Weather she was still asleep, or if she had awaken to find him gone. Had she worried? Did she immediately know that he had gone. Or, did it take the note for her to find out. Was she crying? Was she mad? Was William awake? Would he even remember him, if they were never to meet again?  
  
A loud beep came from behind him taking him out of his trance, the light was green. He stepped on the gas and took off towards the airport.   
  
God, leaving was so hard.  
  
a/n: Yes, I know, it's sad! But, I haven't done a one chapter story in a long time. And, my sister was listening to this song while we were in her car, and it just hit me how good it goes with Mulder's leaving. And, how could I deny my muse. She was clearly telling me to write a story about it. And, this is my first stand-alone song-fic. Tell me how I did, I've always been hesitant about writing these things. I'm thinking about writing Scully's POV, but, I'm not so sure if I will. Tell me what you think, alright? 


End file.
